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Why Structure Is One of the Most Powerful Tools a Divorcing Parent Has

When families separate, the instinct to ease the pain is natural. Parents loosen rules, skip routines, and look the other way on bedtimes. It feels like compassion. But for children navigating the upheaval of divorce, that instinct often works against them. Structure — consistent, calm, and predictable — is not a burden on children during hard times. It is a lifeline. Structure Reduces Anxiety Children do not experience structure as restriction. They experience it as safety. When a child knows what time dinner is, what the bedtime routine looks like, and what the consequences are for stepping outside established limits, they do not have to spend emotional energy wondering. That energy stays available for the harder work of adjusting to a new family reality. Anxiety fills the space that structure leaves empty — and removing routines during divorce does not give children room to breathe. It gives anxiety room to grow. The Guilt Trap Divorce guilt is real and powerful. Parents who fee...
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Why Structure Is the Secret Weapon for Children of Divorce

When families are navigating separation and divorce, most of the conversation centers on legal rights, parenting time, and financial division. What rarely gets enough attention — and what research increasingly shows matters enormously for children — is structure. Not rigid, punishing structure, but the kind that makes the world predictable. And for children whose lives have been turned upside down, predictability is everything. Limits and Consequences: Building Safety Through Expectations Structure begins with limits and their associated consequences. These are the “if/then” frameworks of daily life — and they apply whether you are a parent setting household rules, a professional managing client relationships, or a judge overseeing a courtroom. If you finish your homework, you choose what’s for dessert. If you miss the filing deadline, you face contempt. The critical distinction here is that consequences are not punishments. A consequence is simply the outcome of a choice — positive...
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076: Using “Structure” to Reduce Anxiety and Keep the Kids Out of the Middle: Part 2 of 2 with Dr. Ben Garber

In this episode of the Children First Family Law Podcast, Krista Nash continues her conversation with Dr. Ben Garber, exploring how structure — in all its forms — serves as a foundation for children’s emotional health during and after divorce. From consistent bedtimes to bulletproof parenting plans, Dr. Garber makes the case that structure isn’t about control — it’s about reducing anxiety and helping children feel safe in an uncertain world. Dr. Garber draws on more than 40 years of experience to address parents, co-parents, and family law professionals alike, using the framework of Russian nesting dolls to show how structure operates at every level of a family system. He also tackles the guilt-driven impulse to relax the rules during divorce — and why that instinct, however well-meaning, often backfires. In this episode, you will hear: Why structure reduces anxiety in children during and after divorce The guilt trap — and why relaxing rules during divorce often backfires How co...
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075: Using “Structure” to Diminish Kids’ & Parents’ Anxiety: Part 1 of 2 with Dr Ben Garber

Structure might not sound like the most exciting topic in family law, but it might be one of the most important. In this first part of a two-part conversation, Dr. Ben Garber, internationally recognized psychologist, prolific author, and one of the leading voices in child-centered family law, breaks down how clear boundaries, defined roles, consistent routines, and limits with associated consequences work together to reduce anxiety for children and parents navigating separation and divorce. The more conflict exists between co-parents, the more essential structure becomes to keep kids truly out of the middle. Dr. Garber also draws on compelling research from medicine, dentistry, and public health to explain why advance orientation — knowing what to expect before entering any process — leads to better, faster, and more equitable outcomes for families in the court system. This is a conversation that has the potential to shift everything about how you approach parenting after separation...
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074: How Do I Get My Child’s Voice Heard? Picking the Right Child Advocate in Child Custody Cases in Colorado

Parents often want their children’s voices to be heard during the divorce process. However, how that happens can vary greatly depending on the family’s situation. On this episode of Children First Family Law, Krista explains the “best interests” standard in Colorado and what families can expect regarding their child’s voice being heard in court. She outlines the nine factors Colorado uses to determine parenting time allocation, including considerations of factors used in allocating decision-making in a no-fault divorce state. Krista shares specific situations, such as alcohol or drug abuse or domestic violence, that can elevate a child’s voice in these scenarios, the ideal scenario for parenting time versus what often occurs, and ways a therapist can be utilized in a divorce case. She defines the roles of Child and Family Investigators (CFIs) and Parental Responsibilities Evaluators (PREs), as well as the drawbacks of involving either of them in a case. Finally, Krista explains how y...
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073: Best Hits from the Archives: The SPLIT Films’ Ellen Bruno: Giving Voices to Kids of Divorce

In this moving episode of the Children First Family Law Podcast, Krista welcomes acclaimed documentary filmmaker Ellen Bruno, the creator behind the powerful films “Split: The Early Years” and “Split Up: The Teen Years.” These documentaries feature a cast of real children who had experienced divorce of their parents, with purely their voices and artwork, no experts, no therapists, no adults – just the kids. Split featured the kids when young; Split Up then followed up with the same kids 10 years later, reflecting on how divorce had impacted them as they emerged into late teens and young adulthood. The films give incredibly powerful insight every parent going through family law dynamics should watch, as well as any professional in the family law arena. The film is raw, honest, and deeply impactful. In her conversation with Krista, Ellen shares the personal journey that inspired her to create Split, which began after her own divorce when she heard her own child and others in carpools f...
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10 Tips for a Conflict-Free Divorce: How to Protect Your Children from Emotional Harm

Key Takeaways Divorce does not automatically damage children — chronic, unresolved conflict does. Children should never be used as messengers, witnesses, confidants, or emotional processing partners. Predictable routines and consistent expectations across both homes provide emotional stability for children. How parents handle exchanges, tone, and adult narratives has a direct and lasting impact on a child’s identity and mental health. A parent’s own emotional regulation is one of the most powerful protective factors for a child’s wellbeing after divorce.   Is Your Divorce Hurting Your Kids? Here’s What Actually Matters If you’re lying awake at night wondering, ‘ Is this going to ruin my children? ‘, you’re not alone. Krista Nash — family law attorney, mediator, parenting coordinator, and child advocate at Children First Family Law® — has sat across from thousands of parents in exactly that position. Some are angry. Some are devastated. Some are numb. But almost all of the...
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